From as long as I could remember I have wanted to be a mother. I love babies and children. I didn’t really realize how much love I could have for a baby until my sisters first son, Bennett, was born and then came along the cutest meatball that ever existed last January, Hudson, and my heart expanded for him too. For this reason I thought I would love being pregnant (if you love babies, you must love being pregnant, right?!). I have been completely surprised by my reaction to being pregnant, I will be honest, I have not loved being pregnant. I am not the glowy, flowy, fit, and happy pregnant lady I envisioned that I would be, and I have worked on accepting that the last 40 weeks.
It took me a really long time in the beginning to even feel remotely like myself. I was sick, I was depressed, I was scared and anxious, I felt guilty that I didn’t love being pregnant because I feel so many women are not able to conceive as easily as we were able to and I should be happy and thankful every day of my pregnancy for this little life inside me, but I just couldn’t some days. Finally when I reached about 20 weeks I started to feel “somewhat” like myself. I started to read books again, I started to walk and be more active and eat better. I think what is hard is that many of us and our culture want what we want right at that moment (hello Amazon Prime!). We can’t Amazon prime a baby, and we usually have no idea when they will arrive. It has been a lesson in letting go, letting my body and God take over and letting things happen as they should. It has also been a lesson that your body is not the main thing that changes in pregnancy, your mind and your soul change with your body, I would even go out on a limb and say your personality changes as well.
Something that really helped me throughout my pregnancy was my weekly pre-natal yoga class. I needed other women who could relate to me and that I could vent to. I also needed the positivity and nurturing from my yoga teacher. Friends and family that have had babies or that are currently pregnant have been a Godsend as well. I needed and craved that community of moms and moms-to-be.
Another surprise of pregnancy for me has been the waiting at the end. I never thought the most difficult part of pregnancy would be the end. I was sick in the beginning, was told by my midwife I had gained too much weight too quickly and needed to slow down, and have been an emotional wreck on and off from day 1 of finding out I was pregnant…but nothing has compared to this in-between time. The in-between of becoming a mom and my life completely changing (and not knowing when that exact date of change will come) and also feeling like each second, minute, day, and week is so long.
I have obsessively texted, messaged, called and talked to anyone I can about their birth story and if they went early or late with their first baby. Hoping that if they told me they went early I too might go early. Here I am at week 40 (tomorrow) and I have to just accept this is what it is at this point. I have been very blessed with a healthy pregnancy thus far, and other then the hormones, emotions, weight gain, nausea, and all of the regular symptoms of pregnancy my baby is healthy and so am I. Now it is time to put my mind in the here and now and just let this baby decide when she will make her debut. I am so ready for her to come Earth Side, I think I always have been which makes it all the more harder to wait.